Miles From Fenway

Turning it Around
May 3, 2005, 2:16 pm
Filed under: dating

It’s amazing to me that the memory of pain can be painful. That, no matter how long ago the injury occurred, be it physical or emotional, simply thinking about it can cause the same kind of pain. Even if it is to a lesser degree.

Two years ago today, my heart broke in ways I didn’t know it could. The man I had been dating, who I actually talked about here, walked out on me. Everyone tells me that’s a terrible way to describe it, but I can’t fathom another way to say it. When you’re boyfriend of three and a half years, who you’ve been living with for a year, packs a bag and leaves, completely blindsiding you, how else are you supposed to describe it?

And I am trying desperately not to let it consume me today. Not to remember lying on the floor of my living room, our living room, convulsing because of the tears, while waiting for MM to drive from Jersey to Long Island to pick me up. Trying not to remember the months of hazy existence I went through. But it’s tough when this type of anniversary rolls around.

What surprises me most this year, is that it’s been two years. I hardly ever think about the ex any more, save for the occasional memory that comes with giving that much of your life to someone. Most of my college memories include him. But the thing is, my life is so much BETTER now. I hated Long Island, and because of that I hated New York for the entire first year I was here. I hardly ever went out, I was miserable. But I had convinced myself I was happy. If Ken had stuck around I’d probably be married and living in the suburbs right now!

So why is the pain still there? Why, when my life is so fantastic, when this event was probably the best thing that could have happened to me, does my chest still hurt? Why do I still feel a bit like crying? Would I feel differently if I were in a relationship right now?

Well, I don’t care what it is, why it’s still there, I refuse to sit at my desk and mope today. I have an amazing life. Wonderful friends, a fantastic apartment in Brooklyn, I’m going to see a concert tonight, I’ve got a great job. I will not let the heartbreak of two years ago make me forget all that.

Really. I won’t.


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