Miles From Fenway

At War
September 5, 2006, 1:37 pm
Filed under: apartment, NYC

or, How I Went From Living With Two Roommates To Living with Two Hundred

Initial incursions in what will now be referred to as the Reclamation Of All Common Habitats (ROACH) War began around 4pm on move-in day. The first invader was found in the living area, having crossed the known border of the kitchen. A group of soldiers including Meegan, Kristi, Verity, and myself, were dispatched to take care of the problem. With the invader pinned to the wall with a thick film of Raid, we ventured into the kitchen.

And thus the war began. Hours later, hundreds of cockroaches were dead. Our side sustained minor injuries including lightheadedness due to excessive amounts of pesticide and a distinct lack of beer. I went to bed that night convinced I was winning.

I was wrong. By morning, my trusty #1 Tessie was playing with them in the kitchen. Going through my laundry for clothes, a spy jumped out and scurried under-cover once again. It was clear drastic measures would need to be taken.

I spent Sunday building up my defenses. Over a hundred extra large garbage bags and ten 9’x12′ drop cloths later, every single thing I owned was wrapped in plastic. It was time to go on the offensive. Raid was bought, both in can form, and in bomb form. I was ready.

Turning off all breakers in the apartment, and quickly depressing the detonators on both bombs, I retreated, cat in bag. Withdrawing to The Twin’s apartment for the night, we rested peacefully, with the knowledge that there was no escape.

It is apparent, however, that the majority of blunders in war, occur after having underestimated your enemy. These fuckers have 300 million years of evolution on their side. I’ve got some spray. What I hadn’t expected was the city of New York being on their side. It took a cab, a train, and a five minute walk to get to my apartment yesterday. With all of my supplies on my back and in a rolling suitcase, it was no easy task. The parade taking place on my street, though colorful and cheery, did little to raise my spirits. Especially when a fellow soldier from the NYPD refused to let me past the barricade to get to my building. But that is another story.

Upon entering the battlefield, the carnage was apparent. Hundreds of enemy soldiers lay dead or dying. Three seemed to somehow escape long enough to crawl up the walls, though the effect of the poison was apparent, as they drunkenly tried to evade me. The cleanup process began.

But with little sleep, and such drastic emotional trauma, this soldier could not finish the job. After wiping down the bathroom from top to bottom with Pine Sol in order for Pfc. Tessie to be safe, I began on the kitchen.

No one respects a soldier with a weak stomach, so I will refrain from describing the crying fits, the frantic calls to friends and family, the second thoughts about being able to win such a war. They were everywhere. And I was only one. I was out numbered, out maneuvered, and eventually I retreated once again with Tessie to The Twin’s home base, where Tessie is now residing in the bedroom. Tonight, armed with reinforcements and more supplies, I will return. Ready to win the battle and reclaim my headquarters. Wish me luck.


9 Comments so far
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whoever lived there before you should rot in hell for leaving the place in that condition. even a hateful little troll wouldn’t do that to their worst enemy.


Comment by Anonymous

Country Fresh Raid will eventually do the trick. I had a similar situation one summer. Spray it every night along the floor boards and in the morning they will be dead on the floor. Gross to clean up but better then them being alive.

good luck!

Comment by HED

oh my god, finy. you are a better woman than i. i would have folded like a tent.

stay strong, you can do it!!

Comment by kate.d.

You need to do what any good commander should in a case such as this, upgrade the arsenal. Raid an Bombs only kill the ones already IN your place, they’re probably coming from elsewhere and see your place as pristine lands to conquer.

Upgrade the aresenal to the baits and traps that they take with them, killing them at the bases of operations.

Also, like a good soldier, you need to move the fight up the chain of command. New York does have ordinances protecting tenants such as yourself from such wars. By law your Landlord is actually reponsible for waging the war, not yourself.

This comes directly from the website:

“Housing Maintenance Enforcement – If there are maintenance problems in your apartment and the landlord has not corrected them, you should call 311 to file a complaint with the appropriate City agency. Complaints such as no water, no electricity, possible lead paint, collapsing ceilings, roaches, mice, rats and other maintenance conditions will be referred to HPD. For example, if there is an infestation of vermin and the landlord does not respond to your complaints, HPD may issue a violation, ordering the owner to correct the condition. For more information or to file a complaint, please contact HPD by calling 311.”

Fight on soldier!@=

Comment by Chief Slacker

Awwww that sucks FINY. Sorry to hear it. Hopefully you will win the war and not just the battle.

Hope you still enjoy living on your own after this first bad introduction.

Comment by edmund dantes

How goes the battle?

Hopefully by the time you see this, you’ll have won.

I’m in full agreement with Chief Slacker, too – you should not have to fight this war by yourself.

Comment by Miss Browneyedgirlie

try this:

worked for me in VA and they were small and large varieties and some even flew down there.

Comment by tiggerluvsjeeps

You guys are the best, thank so much for all the suggestions/support. Updates to come!

Comment by FINY

Good luck, FINY!

Comment by Becki

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